Santa is putting Christmas on the blockchain and saving billions

December 14, 2017 12:34 PM

In case you want some talking points with which you can impress your friends at the office Christmas party (unlike Facebook, it’s okay to refer to it as the blockchain): blockchain is a way of decentralizing transactional data—data of any kind, including contract-based data and data about who has been naughty and who has been nice—so that no single entity regulates the transactions. Instead, everyone in the network regulates every transaction—like lots and lots of read-only files that are strung together—no one file can be altered, but new files can be added by anyone on the network.

That’s good news for Santa, who employs millions of elves to manage his data. In non-corporate speak, blockchain cuts out the middlemen—like banks and copious cookie-eating data elves—allows transactions to update instantaneously, and stops any tampering with earlier records.

The adoption of Santa’s blockchain technology will help Santa to deliver toys on time and help him to process oodles of data for his naughty or nice list, manage labor costs associated with maintaining that list, and ensure the integrity of the list.

Makin’ A List
Yeah, Santa dives down chimneys and delivers presents, but what about the other 364 days of the year? Santa is responsible for keeping track of who is naughty or nice—to the tune of 
1.9 billion children throughout the year—an arduous task. This is approximately six times that of Amazon’s users.

Speaking of enigmas, Santa’s list (a.k.a. the Who’s Naughty Or Nice list, or WNON), is sort of an enigma. No one really knows how Santa updates that list, or if it even updates at all—a mystery that Santa has kept on the down low lest the list fall prey to manipulation by naughty children. But Santa has informed us that long ago, his list was kept on physical paper (for you millennials, paper is a very thin sheet of wood pulp used to write on). It was all too easy for previous records to be altered or even lost, and there were too many elves writing on different versions of the list all at once—making for an imprecise business. As technology progressed, the list was eventually moved to a database. But Santa’s problems persisted as records could still be altered and files corrupted.

Well, no more. Santa’s new blockchain technology allows live, real-time updates to the naughty and nice list—which is now, in essence, infinitely long and can keep up with the burgeoning population of children. In addition, Santa’s new WNON list can never be lost.

Elves On Shelves will now be retrofitted with handheld scanners that write to the blockchain in real time, bypassing the manual entry of the data elves. And each record will be its own unalterable record. The result? Santa can instantly access the network and get a real-time view of who’s naughty or nice, allowing him to keep tabs on the elves progress as well as plan toymaking accordingly. This means not only lag-free updates, but also saves millions of data-elf-hours. The savings can then be passed on to the children.

Elves who once managed databases will be retrained as toymakers to keep up with the increased demand as Santa steps up the number of gifts each child will receive as a result of the cost savings.

To recap, Santa’s blockchain WNON benefits are as follows:

• WNON requires fewer elves

• WNON can expand infinitely as the population of the world expands

• WNON cannot be lost

• Ensures integrity of data

• Real-time information and elf-oversight from Santa

• More toys for me

With upsides like this, there is no surprise that Global Blockchain Technologies Corp. and other companies in the space are so eager to become the leaders of this tech revolution. As a general rule, if Santa is going it, then it will almost certainly catch on.

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